RP:]] St Luke's Reform School For Young Gentlemen

I start to shake a little as his gaze goes right through me. Shit, can he see what I am thinking? My eyes dart about the room, looking everywhere but where he is.

"I... I'm sorry, I just-can't," I say as I pull myself away from him

I get up from the bed and grab whatever shirt I can reach near me, I'm not even sure if it's mine as I make a dart for the door.

Number of posts : 920 Age : 42 Registration date : 2008-04-01

I want to yell at him and demand he tell me what's wrong. I don't want to see him doing something stupid because he didn't have anyone to tell but I don't think that's really the right approach.

"Okay, you can go. But promise me if you ever need to talk about it, come to me, okay? I'm not going to judge you." I say, smiling sincerely, "I'm too nice to do that."

I can only hope this is some kind of help for him.

I nod as I pull open the door.

"Thanks," I say simply before biting my lip and darting out of the room quickly.

I look up and down the halls before making a run for it down to the other end of the halls, into the dark parts of the school. The tattooist's bathroom. I suddenly don't feel all that good.

[[WHAT NOOOOOOOW??]]

Number of posts : 920 Age : 42 Registration date : 2008-04-01

[[Well we could either have someone finding Zacky. Or... um... something? I don't actually know, haha.]]

[[That might be good. But who??? *makes mystical hand movements*]]

Number of posts : 920 Age : 42 Registration date : 2008-04-01

[[Right, I have Brian, Corey, Chris, Matt, Mick and Tony. I dunno who'd fit best. We could have Matt and have the clandestine beginnings of future Mattacky?]]

[[Matt it is then? Would you like to do the honors of starting?]]

I don't even know where I'm walking anymore. I just wanted to get away from the madness downstairs, from everyone telling me they're sorry about Alex and other such shit. I don't need everyone's pity. I know Jacoby was only trying to help and I appreciate it, I really do. But now I'm even more of a sad case than I was before.

I walk along the corridor, certain people won't recognize me up here. I can get some time alone, some time to myself. I've had way too much of it recently but fuck, it's better than having another person apologizing for Chris and Alex.

I push open the door of the small, dank bathroom and walk inside. Hardly anyone comes here, I should be safe.

I sigh and flush the toilet. I fall back against the side of the stall, rubbing my face with my hand and a huge pile of toilet paper, tears still staining my cheeks from when I'd being puking and crying.

This was a long time coming, I'm surprised I wasn't ill like this a long while ago. I'm always sick when I worry or upset myself too much. Hopefully this means I can relax a little more now. But my thoughts are short lived as my head is straight down the bowl again, emptying the contests of my stomach.

At least no one will find me in here though. At least I can do this in peace.

I can hear the sounds of retching. What the fuck? This place is supposed to be abandoned.

"Who's there?" I call out, pointlessly.

If he's vomiting, he's not exactly going to be answering you is he. I feel it's my duty to find who this is and try and help them. Or drown them in their puke. Whichever's most fitting for them.

I move along the row of corridors, looking for the one with feet sticking out of. A familiar looking pair of checkered shoes are sticking out from one of the stalls.

"Zacky?"

I push the door open to see my best friend's head down one of the very unsanitary bowls. I kneel down by him and rest a hand on his back.

"Oh Zee."

I groan after choking and dry retching for a little while. I lift my head from the bowl with a moan as I fall back onto my friend's body.

"Oooh Matt. I feel so bad," I groan as I wipe over my mouth with the tissues all crumpled and sweaty in my hands.

"I hate being sick, hate it so much," I say as I start to cry a little more, "I really hate it."

I hold him up, just so he's not touching the disgusting floor. I brush his hair back from his face and press a soft, reassuring kiss to the greasy locks.

"I know."

I just hold onto him and let him get all of his tears out, keeping my mouth against his head.

"I've been worried about you, y'know? You've been really off lately."

"I know, I know I'm sorry I worried you," I say as I throw the mass of toilet paper in my hand away from me.

"Matt," I swallow and shake my head against his shoulder, "I messed up so badly."

I don't know why but I need to get this out. Although I'm not sure if there is anymore inside to get out now.

My stomach clenches at this thought. Zacky screwing up, usually involves literal screwing. This could be anything, pregnancy, rape... fuck, what if he's got as life threatening disease? I don't want to lose my best friend. I've got to stay calm for his sake.

"Messed up, messed up how, Zee?"

I move so I'm a little more comfortable in this small cubicle, pulling Zacky close to me. I've been told my size helpspeople feel safe and secure and that's just what he needs right about now.

"What did you do?"

"It's bad, it's shitty, and you'll hate me," I say to him.

I'm not sure exactly how he'd feel about this, I'm not even sure how I really feel about the logistics of it all. Incest is wrong. But, it was different for me. It wasn't incest, well, not to me.

"I... I fucked someone what... that was, not, right..."

I have no idea how to word this without making it sound wrong.

Fuck...

I'm pretty sure Zacky's fucked a lot of people that he shouldn't have, what was the difference with this one?

"Were they, like, married or something?"

Nope, Zacky's done that already, that's not nearly enough to do this to him.

"Or, or were they straight? Or not into it?" I say, with a half smile, "Coz seriously Zee, when it involves you and sex I can't really think of anything you haven't done that would shock me. I'm not going to hate you, dude, I promise."

"It... it-it was my- brother," I whisper the last words.

They sound so sick coming from my mouth now.

"Ooooh God, Matt just push my head in the toilet now and flush me, I don't deserve to fuckin' live," I say, shaking my head against him.

I don't want him to hate me, if he's the only person I can trust with this, he's gotta mean something to me, right?

"I'm sorry."

Okay, I take it back. There are things he can say which would shock me. Like that.

"You... you slept with your brother?" I ask, my voice trembling, "Your... oh my God."

I don't take my arms from him as much as I kind of want to right now. That's sick, that's... that's sicker than sick. That's...

I look down at Zacky, at his hurt, pained, broken little face.

That explains a lot. Why he's so distant from everyone, why he's so defensive over his friends, why he's Zacky.

"I'm sorry, I'm... I did not expect that. Shit..."

"I know, I'm sorry," I say as he moves away from me. I sigh, yet I still understand why he's shocked and moved away from me.

"I didn't technically fuck him though, we never did that," I start, it just seems to be spilling out now, "We kissed, cuddled, and he blew me, once, but... still, it's not socially or physically right. But it doesn't make me want him."

I've probably creeped Matt out so much now.

"His name was Matt. Why do you think I warmed to you so quickly when I first came here?"

I laugh a little before looking up at the still shocked expression Matt's face. He's unreadable sometimes, I don't know what's going on behind those hazel eyes, whether he's about to hit me, throw up on me, or hug me telling me about the story of his long lost cousin and him fucking like bunnies. But I doubt the latter very much.

I don't really know what to think right now, it's gross and disgusting and by rights I should be running away from him and just telling everyone how much of a freak he is. But I don't think I could ever do that. I love Zacky too much to do that. He's the only person who really gives a shit about me here, the only one who really does, not just makes out like they do because they feel obligated.

"Y'know, I'm not going to pretend that I'm totally cool with this, coz I'm not. It's wrong, it's sick, it's illegal." I say, "B-but if you, if you showed him the same kind of affection and care that you've shown me over the past few years we've known each other, it can't really be all that bad, right?"

I wipe the drying tears from his face, "And if he looked anything like you, I don't think anyone could blame you."

I smile a little, glad he's not running away screaming like his dicks fallen off, "It wasn't the looks Matt."

I sigh, "It was the fact that I loved him. We didn't even think what were doing was wrong. We just, loved each other, y'know."

It's a hell of a lot easier explaining mine and my brother's relationship when I'm not crying my eyes out and hip-cupping like I was all over Corey.

"We saw mum and dad kissing and... we thought it was a way to show love so... we did it... we were only 14 and 13 and at the time..." I stop for a minute, realising that Matt is actually here with me as I explain myself to the opposite stall wall.

I turn back to him and bite my lip.

"If this gets too weird for you or sick or whatever, just tell me and I'll shut up," I say with a slight smile.

"I'm sure I've heard worse than this from you Zee. There was that anorexic you rimmed who was addicted to laxatives for a start."

I'm only making jokes coz I'm a little uncomfortable. But I want him to get this all out so he knows he can trust me. Besides it's bound to make him feel better, getting this massive weight off his shoulders.

"Sorry." I say, half smiling, "It makes sense. I mean, you're never really taught as a kid that incest is wrong. If you loved him, it was only right to show him. Go on. If you want to."

"Thanks Matt," I smile as I smile back at him and give his hand near mine a little squeeze.

I lean back against the cold wall behind me again and sigh, "Well, that's where it started. Me and him, just cuddling and kissing, we didn't tell mum and dad what we did. But, we shared a room so they weren't really that worried. You know kids like to keep crushes and first boyfriend/girlfriends secret, that's kinda what we did."

"But, it was short-lived when Dad found us one day, all laid up in bed kissing. It was only light pecks but... he went nuts, blamed me for turning his one good son into one of them. He sent me here so I would be away from Mattie, and be away from the house. I missed him so much, he was my first and only love and at fourteen everything seems worse than it actually is."

"When I was 16, remember the time I was allowed to go home for my first Christmas before Mattie finally had a girlfriend and obviously over me so I could come home..."

I stop for a second to collect my thoughts. The images of that night when I came home, when my parents went out, all so fresh in my head. The skin, the hands, the sheets tearing around us. It was insane. My head still feels heavy from sex because of it.

I remember that Christmas so well. I had to deal with a moping Mick, he was heartbroken over the idea of Zacky leaving him. He was convinced he'd never come back. He tried to sleep with me a few times but never got any further than unwanted kisses.

So the big bad beast is capable of falling in love? We'd all kind of guessed that was the reason he was so anti-romance and suchlike, his heart had been broken back when he was a kid. We'd never really realized just how though.

I don't say anything, just nod and smile at him, urging him wordlessly to go on.

"That night, my parents went out, and I decided to take a shower before I was all skanky from travelling. Basically, Matt came in, claiming he needed to take a piss but, I turned around and he was there staring into the shower at me. We were both sixteen at the time and... he was just there smirking at me, eyeing me up. I hadn't even seen him like it before. He'd always being the sweet one with the smile, not a... smirk."

"He pushed me into the shower, fully clothes, just kissing me, it's so vivid even now. He just kissed down my body, further than anything we had ever done before. He... he blew me, there and then in the shower. I lost my control, my self control and..."

I tilt my head up and take a deep breath, "I carried him, both of us soaking into our room. Where, I made love to him on his bed. It was his first time and he was... he was crying but, telling me to carry on. I wanted to stop but he wouldn't let me. It was so amazing. While it lasted."

"Mum and Dad found us, they didn't send me back to the school, they kicked me out. I went to stay with Brody for that Christmas, I travelled cross country, completely heart broken."

I am fully aware that their are now tears gracing my cheeks.

"He died the other week. I hadn't seen him since that night, that night of him screaming and crying to make my parents let me still. But now, I'll never see him again. Not even that smile I remember from his thirteen year old face..."

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